Maybe I Should Try...

Over the past few years, I have been told by many people that I am "intimidating". This, of course has been quite confusing to me as I can only recall a few instances in my life thus far where I have had any need to use this prowess. And, none of the people who stated that I was intimidating were ever involved in these scenarios. I don't understand at all. Now, recent developments have further complicated the issue and confused me further. Apparently, I'm not only intimidating, but I also am not feminine enough. Uh oh. I'm screwed....

Growing up I was pretty much a tom boy. I loved to play in dirt, go adventuring, climb trees and all kinds of things. Don't get me wrong, I did have a barbie doll or two, but honestly they didn't get anywhere near the use that my Tonka trucks did. I don't know why. I guess it was just more fun to me. I do have interests in much more than glamour magazines, clothes and shoes. I love to fish, mess with cars, chase storms, dabble in martial arts, go camping, and a few other things that may be considered less than *ahem* "feminine". I do love to get dolled up, but I don't often have occasion in which to do so. My job requires me to wear scrubs and when I get home it's usually comfy clothes right away. I don't go places very often, and never go out on "dates" or to special occasions in which I need to dress up. It's a bummer because I actually enjoy wearing a pretty dress and heels. I love beautiful flowers. Star Gazer Lilies to be specific. As far as I'm concerned that's a pretty damn feminine looking flower! I am perfectly capable, just as any woman of feminizing myself if given a chance. I have plenty of stilettos and dresses and skirts of all sorts just waiting to be warn. I just rarely get the opportunity, that's all. Usually, I go to work and come home to my kids and Mommy around. That's pretty much my life. Not many opportunities to get dressed up. Wearing this robo knee brace doesn't really help matters much as I kind of HAVE to wear it with pants or jeans to keep it in place. But that is temporary....

So, now that I have pretty much established that I have the supplies in stock should I have an opportunity to dress up, I guess I have to work on my "presence". I pretty much always smile and shake hands or give hugs. I giggle and can flirt as well. Here is where I get confused. I feel like I act pretty feminine around people unless I'm helping them change a tire or something of the like. The only thing I can think of is to work on my "inner chick", and this scares the hell out of me. Perhaps it's a way of thinking or something. So here we come to my experiment. I will try to "feminize" myself a bit more and see what happens. For now, physically I am doing pretty much all I can considering my current handicap. I wear makeup, fix my hair, etc. Perhaps I could wear a bit more "feminine" shirts or something. More jewelry. That aside, much to my chagrin, I figure I should try exposing myself to more girly things. Such as beauty magazines and chick flicks. Ugh. Kinda makes me cringe. No, it definitely makes me cringe. I have to try putting the horror movies, and epic battle movies aside for a short time and try to embrace this line of thinking. I need to learn to be a damsel in distress, I guess.

Ahhhh, yes. The damsel in distress....this is so not me by any standard. I've pretty much had to do the things that are considered "manly duties" myself for years, so waiting for a man to help me is not really an option. Perhaps this is what men want. An uberfeminine damsel in distress that they can take care of. Cool. I get it. However, I am feminine. I cry, my feelings get hurt, and I need love just as much as anyone. I like to consider myself a perfect combo. I can be a feminine woman but go fishing, gun shooting, be strong and need a man to take care of me and take me to dinner all at the same time. Is that so wrong? Is that so hard? Not really. I have to learn to be less stubborn and accept help doing things if and when help is offered by any guy. Note: this rarely happens. But, I'm willing to try to put my stubbornness aside, expose myself to more "girly" things and try to present myself as less intimidating and more feminine. Whatever the hell all that means.....

Bad Dream

I have a lot of crazy dreams. I have funny dreams, sad dreams, fantastical dreams but every once in a while I have one that pretty much chills me to the bone and sticks with me for days. Last night I had a nightmare that was so frightening and so realistic I woke up screaming and in tears. I don't quite remember how it started, but I remember being in a building with hundreds and hundreds of people. Both of my children were with me. There was a lot of noise and chaos with all of these people around and amongst all of this craziness there was this bizarre thunderous noise. At first I thought it might have been a thunderstorm, but the sound wasn't quite the same. It had a very different sound to it that I can't adequately describe. I ran out of the building and looked up into the sky. The sky was very gray and cloudy and the sun was reflecting brightly off of the clouds. I had to squint really hard to see. As I looked up into the sky I saw that there was something falling to the ground at a very high rate of speed. Before too long I realized what was falling were missiles.
Hundreds of them. No doubt about it we were under attack and my realization of what was happening was gut wrenching. The first thought in my mind was my children. I had to run back into the building to get them to safety, except for when I turned to run, I couldn't. It was one of those dream scenarios where you try to run but your feet feel heavy or stuck in quicksand or marshmallows or something of the like. I couldn't move and these missiles were coming down faster and faster. The harder and harder I tried to run the more impossible it became. I could see inside the building, but couldn't see my children. My legs were getting so tired from working so hard to move. As I made a last ditch effort to get to the building, I fell and couldn't get back up. Tears were streaming down on my burning red skin. I looked up into the sky, still seeing missile after missile fall from the sky. I kept wondering who would do this to us and then realized one of the missiles was coming right for me and there wasn't a damn thing I could do about it. I woke up just before it hit me and I was screaming for my children. I was so very glad it was just a dream, but it's stuck with me all day long...